Another one?

I really don’t like birthday season.

We are halfway through at this point.

Son4, turns 19 today.

That is one year away from not being a teen.

I’m so not ready for that.

Son4 has always been an easy child.  He was my easiest birth, practically was born before the Dr even knew it.  He was the easiest tempered baby, moving on to the easiest tempered child, to teen, and now as an adult he’s still just this laid back man that pretty much lets everything slide off.

But, when you do see him upset, you better believe he is at his limit.

I remember, when he was younger and I first started blogging, over on my old blog, I wrote about him reminding me of the pillsbury dough boy. He would coo when you pushed his belly. He still does.

He is still the smiley, happy boy  he has always been, only now that smiley, happy face is on a 5’10”, 245 lb body.  He works hard, loves his family, and loves his sports.

I think when Son4 was born, God knew I needed an easy one. He had some health issues, manageable ones thankfully, but always took the poking and prodding with a smile.  He wasn’t one to cry a lot. Just an easy going kid.

When he see’s me getting stressed or letting life overwhelm me, he will come up with some silly face, and belly bump me until I break out a grin.   A gentleman, if he notices someone in need, he is the first one to step up and help.

Unafraid to look goofy, he does what it takes to make you laugh and add just a little bit of happiness to your day.

Little does he know, just having him as my son brings me that happiness.

Happy Birthday Son!

Who says it isn’t enough?

Son2 is on his way to his new state.

Today my boys made me proud.

I saw them pull together, for a couple of different reasons today, each time as a unit, as a family. Not as individuals who were each out for their own benefit, but as one. Working towards the best outcome as a whole.

I saw my husband ugly cry.

I saw my dad’s face light up when he saw Son2.

I saw generosity to a fault.

I saw my boys, as a whole, become men.

I saw my Son2, get in his car, and pull away from all he knows.

I saw a bit of my heart leave with him.

I saw Oldest and Son2 express emotion that they never show each other.

I saw daughter in law’s true feelings.

My boys and girl made me proud today.

I’ve never been one to force them to say “I love you” to each other, or to hug it out. Stud and I have always showered them with love and affection, but we never made them show affection towards each other. I guess we figure it would come naturally.

Today, in their own way, each boy showed his love and emotion. They expressed their feelings by actions and words.

If Son2 takes nothing with him, he took an amazing amount of love, from his brothers, from his sister in law, from his grandfather, and from his parents.

They say love isn’t enough, but it goes a long way.

One day they will get it.

Earlier, Stud and I walked Son2 to the car for him to head back to his home, in old state. He will be back tomorrow, for one more visit.

Tomorrow, we put him in his car to move 800 miles away. I think its something he has to do, one of those choices where he could make the safe choice, stay here, in his comfort zone and keep living life as is. Or he can take the unknown path, move away from everything and everyone he knows, and see where it takes him.

It might quite possibly be the hardest thing as a parent we’ve ever had to do.

As children, teens, young adults, we really don’t realize what our parents go through as they watch us make our decisions.

We created this person, we raised him, we taught him right from wrong, good from bad. I hope that he will say that he never felt unloved, or unwanted, because we tried our best to let our children know that no matter what, we love them unconditionally.

In our extended family relationships, unconditional love is not something Stud has felt freely. In fact he has not felt it at all. For the most part, he even questions if there is any love at all. I have known it from my parents, I have never questioned whether they loved me in any way at all. In fact, I have always felt they loved me more than their biological children.

I want my own children to feel that love. To experience what its like to be able to make a mistake, but know that it won’t change the way someone feels about them. Everyone deserves that.

In giving that unconditional love to my children, it leaves me open to heartache on new levels. it makes me vulnerable. The only time I am unguarded, that the walls of my heart are not up, active and reinforced are when it comes to my husband first, and then my children.  It is the most rewarding, most fulfilling love ever.

I hope that one day my children will have their own children, and experience it themselves.  Until then, they will just have to listen to mom freak out when she can’t get a hold of them, they will have to listen to me asking insanely redundant questions, like “have you ate” and “are you warm”. And they will have to live with me insisting on being the last person they hug when they leave my home, and the last words I say to them to be “I love you, be careful”.

One day they will understand.

One day they will feel it too.

One day they will get it.

Really?

I’m standing in the grocery line, reading the headlines on all the gossip rags.  I see one about George Clooney and Amal getting a divorce after only 6 months of marriage.

I chuckle and move on.

A couple in their 50s walk up, the woman turns to the man and says “See, look, the wedding of the century and what does it get them?  6 Months!  Ha!  See what money got them!”

And she proceeds to pontificate profusely about how that wedding that cost millions and millions of dollars didn’t assure them a long lasting marriage.

I was extremely tempted to turn around and tell her that her education didn’t assure common sense either.

Daily trips

I have one brother who checks in regularly. He or his wife will call and will say “What kind of trip are we on today?”

We never know what the story of the day will be.

Some days, we are back in WW2, and living in a respite center for injured and tired soldiers. Other days we are living way back in Dad’s childhood home, digging ditches, putting out cows, and harvesting crops.  One day, he was engaged to be married to a girl he had only met once and wanted to break it off with her. Yet other days, like today, we are getting ready for a funeral.

For the past two days Dad has been in mourning. Yesterday, it started with his sister was just killed, moved on to my mom passing away, to his father being dead. We couldn’t quite grasp who exactly, if not all three, that he was mourning. But he was mourning, hard.

Today he is mourning Mom.

Just her.

It breaks my heart to watch.

On the bad days, we will text my brother and get him to call Dad. It helps. Never mind that dad thinks it is his own brother he is talking to, instead of his son. He still feels the connection. He knows the love.  And it never fails, he will talk to my brother a few minutes then ask to speak to my sister in law. Then he will talk to her for half hour if she will let him.  He loves her so much and enjoys talking to her. He remembers her name perfectly.

I hope that tomorrow we are on a different trip. Because this one is killing me.

Easter Sunday.

Easter Sunday.

I made it to sunrise service today. We split shifts.

Oldest and his wife have wanted to go to church the past couple of weeks, and I want them to go. I also want to make sure that Youngest goes. Actually I want to make sure all my children go to church.

So, Son4 and I went to sunrise service. I came home. He went back for Sunday school and main service, and oldest and wife went for main service. I love it.

I think that out of everything my kids do, the thing I probably take the greatest joy in, is when they volunteer to go to church. It is something I pray for. Something I ask God for almost daily, to give my boys and daughter in law the desire to go to church. The desire to have a relationship with God.

To me, there is a difference between just having a relationship with God, and desiring it as well.

You can have a relationship, but there is no joy in that relationship unless you desire to be there.

I pray they would have the desire to have a relationship with Christ, and that they would develop that relationship, nurture it and let it grow.

The deepest, relationships I have, outside of my husband and kids, has come from church. That fellowship, that comraderie, there is nothing like it. The church family is just that, a family. It is an extension of your own personal family, but much more. You are family in God. That is a much deeper relationship.

I want that for my kids.