I’m browsing through my news feed on FB last night, you know how that is, you see something interesting, cool, or inspiring, and you click it. Then that click leads to another one, and another one, and another one, and I wind up looking at pages of peoples that I haven’t seen or heard from since childhood.
For the most part it was good. I’m thinking to myself, “HE is a grand father?” “Look how skinny she is now!” “Aw, she has kids!” You know, things like that.
Then I noticed something, that normally I wouldn’t notice.
Those pictures from my childhood, those kids that grew in to adults, grew in to what seems on the surface, happy people. But more than that, just going by their pictures and posts, happy Christian people.
Some of them, I did find rather shocked by their adult life. Now I know that FB is where we put the good stuff. Normally we don’t air our bad stuff out on FB. But on the surface, these people seem to have something that right now, I am missing.
I am missing the joy in my religion.
That was a tough line to write…
It was a tough statement to make when I was praying to God last night. Telling him what he already knows, that I have lost my joy.
Because he does know.
And I want to know how to get it back.
I just have no clue how.
I don’t even really know how I lost it in the first place.
All I know is that somewhere along the line, I stopped being a happy Christian, and now I’m just sort of here.
I feel like I am torn between worlds.
Not sin, or THE World, but its difficult to explain.
I think I feel judgement everywhere I look.
Let’s face it, the Christian population is a very judgmental bunch.
And if you think about it, so are everyone else.
I go to church, which we are still trying to find a home church, but I walk in and immediately feel like I’m being weighed and measured by my clothes, hair, my outward appearance. And I pull in to myself. I put walls up to protect myself from feeling my inadequacies. To keep it from hurting when no one talks to me, or smiles at me or even bothers to shake my hand after service. So I slide in, sit near the back, and make a quick get away as soon as service is dismissed.
But when I am outside of church, I feel the same judgement. Only this time, its because I don’t find a raunchy story funny, or I don’t like vulgar language. I feel it in my own home because I worry when someone has a drink as soon as they walk in the door from work, or keep saying “I had a rough day, I deserve a drink!”. I grew up around alcohol and drug abusers those words are trigger words for me. So yes, I worry when I hear them.
So if I am feeling judged and as if I come up short, in every aspect and relationship in my life, how am I supposed to have joy? How do I find myself, and be comfortable in it, and not let everyone around me affect it?
I don’t know.
I pray God shows me.