There it is.
On my desk, staring at me.
Its just a book.
Innocent, not dangerous or threatening in the least.
But I can’t make myself pick it up. To open its pages. To read its words.
This is a book I received a few months ago to review. I had been looking forward to reading it. It seemed like just the perfect book for this time in my life.
Then I read a few pages.
They rubbed places that I thought were healed, and opened them making them raw to the air.
Part of me wants to read this book. I know I will be better off for it. It will help me take a step forward in gaining back what I have lost where my
relationship , religion, love for church, love for my fellow man is concerned.
I said it.
It’s out in black and white.
No turning back now.
Somewhere, in the past several years, I have lost my love. I have lost my joy. I want it back. Oh I want it back so badly.
I can spout pretty words with the best of them. I can tell you exactly what you need to do to fix your life. But I have no idea how to fix mine.
I have faith.
I love God.
I believe in God.
but somehow, somewhere, I lost a key part of me.
I have no idea how to get it back. There is this hole, or shadow, or something indescribable where it used to be. I feel an urgency to get it back.
I’m not sure I want to go through the pain of peeling back the layers upon layers of protection I have surrounded myself with to get that joy, that feeling of completeness back.
Some may read this and think, oh she’s unhappy, or depressed, or whining.
Trust me, I am not any of those things.
I have happy.
I am not depressed.
I am not whining.
I am, however missing something. Something that I used to have.
I used to treasure my church.
I used to love the relationships I had within the church.
I loved working in church.
I loved going to church.
I treasured my time at church.
Now I long for it.
I find myself driving around, looking for a place I can have that feeling again.
I haven’t been able to find a church that completes me. One that says “Hi! Here I am. Come on in, let me push that shadow aside.” I find places that I like one part, but not another. I like the music here, the pastor there, the people, well, I haven’t found one yet that makes me feel at home.
I visited one church at least a dozen times, only one person asked my name.
Another church I have been to several times, not once has anyone took time to see who I am or what I might need.
All I need, all I want is for someone to smile, ask how I am, and invite me to bible study, sunday school, or something.
Meanwhile, I stare at this book, knowing it will help, but also knowing it will hurt like everything while it is helping. I know that to get better, I must see my faults, my issues, with clarity and openness. I must see things for how they are, not how I want them to be.
I’m almost there.