Angry conversation

Its been a rough year.

It shows.

I flow tears at the drop of a hat.

I just had to have a difficult conversation, and the person I talked with is quite angry at the world right now.  I don’t like having those conversations, but as a mother, they do have to happen. They do take place. They are a necessity.

I know the person will get over it, I know the person will recover. I just hope we make it to that point.

Anger, if left alone will fester. It will grow. It will morph into a bubbling tumor that explodes and spews its hate to everything it touches. I don’t want that to happen.

Not to this person.

This person is too special.

God has a plan for this person

This person just has to see it.

They have been letting outside influences guide their actions, putting more faith in people than in God. It shows in the person’s attitude, the way the person treats others.

I had needed to have this conversation for a while now. It bubbled over today, and I finally dove in.

I pray it doesn’t bite me down the road.


Well, new wrinkles pop up every day.

Yesterday dad was admitted to the hospital. It looks like his dementia is taking a big step down. He is having a very difficult time communicating. He can string maybe 3-4 small words together, sometimes they make sense, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes it is just some sort of gibberish.

And he can’t seem to hold himself up to walk. Its like the muscles have forgot that just a few hours ago they knew how to work.  The general consensus is that the dementia has taken a step down.

Our lives have just changed.



I remember a time when I would be spending this month writing for NaNoWriMo.

I haven’t attempted it in the past few years.

I just don’t have time. I can’t even manage to write here more than once a week sometimes, so I know I wouldn’t be able to manage to write for NaNoWriMo every day for a month.

Life happens. I get that.

It picks you up, twirls you around and completely gets you discombobulated to where you don’t know which way is up or which way to turn. I’m just kind of tired of always being so out of sorts.

Dad seems to be entering a new phase in his dementia. For the past 2 days he has had to have someone show him where the bathroom is. He has always just gotten up and went until now.

I worry over what this means because it means the dementia is affecting another part of his brain. Another part that once did things automatically is having to be shown step by step how to accomplish the task.

He can go on his own and manage ok, but I know that it won’t be far down the road that he has to have assistance when it comes to that.

I dread that day.


The Five Times I Met Myself

I wasn’t sure what to expect with The Five Times I Met Myself by James L. Rubart. I just knew that when the invitation to read it came across my desk, I felt the urge to jump on it.

As usual, when I get that urge, I wasn’t disappointed at all. Even though it is written from a male point of view, I identified with Brock Matthews immediately. That is something completely out of the ordinary for me. I usually don’t mesh with male POV, especially when the female POV is basically a minor character.

The premise of the book is What would you say to your younger self?  What would you change, and how would it affect the person you are today?  Brock Matthews finds out, and it isn’t necessarily a good thing. He goes on a long road to finding himself, by visiting himself in the past. James L Rubart has written an astounding book, that while fiction, feels like reality.

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The Five Times I Met Myself (Thomas Nelson, November 2015)

What if you met your twenty-three-year-old self in a dream? What would you say?

Brock Matthews’ once promising life is unraveling. His coffee company. His marriage.

So when he discovers his vivid dreams—where he encounters his younger self—might let him change his past mistakes, he jumps at the chance. The results are astonishing, but also disturbing.

Because getting what Brock wants most in the world will force him to give up the one thing he doesn’t know how to let go . . . and his greatest fear is that it’s already too late.

Purchase a copy:

About the Author:

 James L. Rubart is a professional marketer and speaker. He is the author of the best-selling novel Rooms as well as Book of Days, The Chair, Soul’s Gate, Memory’s Door, andSpirit Bridge. He lives with his wife and sons in the Pacific Northwest.

Connect with James: website, Twitter, Facebook

Just let them be kids.

I am part of an online group for mom’s of boys. The group lets you post anonymous questions to the other mothers, for their advice.

One day last week a mom posted this question:  “My almost 5 year old son is enrolled in preschool three days a week. His teacher brought it to my attention that he has trouble staying on task while doing his work. I have noticed this at home, but mostly when he is having to do something he doesn’t want to do. He doesn’t really enjoy coloring and I know he has to do a lot of that at school. He is very intelligent and has never been delayed in development. Any advice on how I can work with him at home to help him stay on task at school?”

To my shock the answers to the question were all along the lines of how to actually help this kid stay on task. None of the moms addressed the fact that  THIS KID IS 4 YEARS OLD, 4 year olds aren’t capable of staying on task for more than 5 minutes. Literally!  Unless its watching a Disney film, or playing with legos, you won’t get a 4 yr old to sit still all day doing coloring pages. I’m sorry, it just isn’t going to happen.

In today’s culture we have taken away a child’s childhood.

There I said it.

We are so concerned with giving them a leg up on the neighbors kids that we have forgot to let them be kids.

When a child comes home from preschool, or Kindergarten with homework then you know it has gone too far.

I know it is old school, but I’m not a fan of putting kids in preschool. I understand if you have to put a child in daycare, or a preschool while one or both parents work, but I don’t understand putting a child in preschool just to give him an advantage down the road.

Kids coming up today aren’t getting time to just be kids. To be messy. To be unorganized. To just sit and chill and let their imagination take them to unknown frontiers. They aren’t given time to just be.

Instead we organize every waking second and some of their sleeping seconds. We sit them in a chair for 8 hours a day and expect them to sit there, do coloring pages, write the alphabet, or whatever the preschool teacher comes up with to fill the time, and we expect them to do it perfectly, without moving.

Children have this amazing ability to see outside the box, to see a butterfly flit across the sky and think they can fly along with it.  They see a big pile of sand and envision skyscrapers that will take them to the moon. They pick up a stick and it suddenly becomes a magic wand, a light saber, a twirling baton, a snake, a gun, you name it, a simple broken stick has infinite possibilities in a child’s hands.

We take that away from them when we scheduled them, put them in an air conditioned room, and stifle their creativity.

They need to get outside, get stinky and dirty. They need to explore, and use their imaginations and just chill and relax.

When we have more kids on medications for attention disorders, depression, and anxiety, than are drug free, then we have to look to our society and see why.

What changed?

We stopped letting kids be kids.

Enough already!

Son2 is 24.

I’m not ok with that.

There really isn’t anything I can do about it, after all, I can’t stop time. But I truly wish my boys would stop getting so old. After all, I am their mother, and if they are old, that means I am really old.

Son2 has always been his own man. Even as a baby.  While pregnant with him I was on bedrest because he wanted to come early. Then they take me off bedrest, tell me its okay to have him, and he decided he likes it where he is, and wants to wait until 2 weeks after his due date to be born.

Then, as a baby, he decided he could do anything Oldest did, and walked, literally walked across the room the day he turned 7 months old. There has been no stopping him since then.  One day, at around 18 mos, he pulled off his diaper, said no more, and started going to the potty.   If oldest did something, then Son2 had to do it too, thus giving birth to an intense sibling rivalry.

Oldest and Son2 are 18 months apart, so I guess the rivalry was inevitable.  While it started out with Son2 emulating Oldest, it blossomed in to the two of them competing to see who could do it better, faster, easier.

Then as they got older, the comparisons started separating.  Their individual strengths took over and they went their own way.

Son2 and youngest are a lot alike, physically and in temperment.  Son2 is a doer. He sees a problem, and he works to fix it.  Very independent he doesn’t like to ask for help, and pretty much will do anything to avoid it.  Once you win his loyalty, its there for the duration. He will stand by you, protect you, and do anything to help you in any way.

When we moved to new state, he stayed behind. He didn’t want to give up his jobs, his friends, his life to move to the middle of no where and start over. It killed me to leave him behind. Even thought I knew it was his choice, his life, his decision, it crushed me.

Son2 works hard to keep himself physically fit, and the ladies love it. He is picky, and not willing to settle for just anyone, he knows what he wants and is willing to wait for her.

He is turning in to a wonderful man.

Happy Birthday Son!


We buried my brother today.

Today we buried my brother.
In 8 days, it will be one year since my Mom passed away.

At my brother’s service today, I kept being reminded of mom’s passing. And I kept thinking about the future when my dad passes.  It was chaotic in my head, flitting from one death to another. The emotions, were overwhelming at times.

My brother had a military burial. The folding of the flag and the presentation of it, along with the playing of “Taps”, was extremely intense.  But good.

I think I have felt so much today, I am spent. I can’t seem to get words to come.

Maybe, because we buried my brother today.