Someone’s daughter.

Sometimes I find myself with an incredible, pressing urge to pull my loved ones close.

Tonight, I miss my mom. I miss my dad.

Physically they are still here, and occasionally there is a brief vapor length spurt of them that show up.

Out of the blue, at the most random moments ever, I will see a snippet of the mom who used to wake me up and 3am for a hot donut run. Or the mom that would pick me up from school early to go to the mall.

I will catch a glimpse of the dad who taught me how to bake biscuits, and how to drive a car. I’ll hear the voice of the man who stood as my pastor for the majority of my life.

Tonight I need one of those snippets or glimpses.

Instead I got a conversation with mom about how her “new” husband has yet to make sexual advances towards her.

I got a discussion with dad with me repeating several times that his dr appointment is next month, not in the morning.

Tonight, I need to be the daughter again.

Not the schedule keeper, medicine dispenser, iron fist that always says no, or the woman who runs the place.

Caregiving is not for the faint of heart. You lose a part of your life that you can never get back.

I miss being a daughter.

Real life or fiction?

I’m part of a group of women online that do book reviews, mostly Christian books. Currently a lot of the group is reading a book that isn’t published by a Christian publisher, but by a mainstream publisher. The book happens to have a couple of instances of foul language. It isn’t constant, or even often, literally a couple of words.

The ladies are currently in debate on why the book was allowed to be reviewed by a Christian group.

This confuses me.

Over the years I have almost come to terms with the fact that most people would consider me a liberal Christian. I personally think of myself as conservative. Funny, huh.

With the online group, I don’t see why the uproar over a couple of “bad” words. Don’t we hear those words daily? Walking down the street, in snippets of conversations from passerbys, in the lyrics of a song that might be playing over the intercom system in a store, on HBO or any other cable network, all these places are random ones where you might hear a “bad” word. Not to mention your child’s ball game, your work place, and even your own home wihen you or hour spouse gets angry and needs to vent.

So why the uproar over it being in a book?

Most books are filled with bad words.

Most movies are laced with bad words.

Why not books?

Enjoyable books are ones that have an element of realism. They are so alive and life like that they draw you in. If the conversation in a book doesn’t represent my life, how I live, how I talk, then I lose interest quickly. I have to be able to relate to a book to delve in and immerse myself. That is difficult to do if the book is full of gosh darn it, and golly gee willakers..

While that might have been fine in the 1950’s, in today’s culture it doesn’t represent how we actually talk. Neither do scenes that entail a man and woman who are in love, spending the night stuck together in an abandoned cottage, wrapped around each other to keep warm, and nothing happening. I can’t keep count of the Christian fiction books who have scenes like that. That is usually when I lay the book down and do not pick it back up.

Why?

It isn’t realistic.

Yes there are people who have the willpower to not let physical contact in those circumstances get out of control. Yet, these books never discuss how they control themselves. They never discuss what they go through, physically and mentally when the attraction is so great but you don’t want to give in.

One woman wrote that she tried to read book she could pass on to her teenage daughter. To me, I would rather pass on a book that addressed how you put a stop to physical contact when it is getting out of control, instead of saying ” his lips brushed mine, I shivered at the contact.” and then the next line is “A week later, I was walking to my car after work.” Why leave out the mental struggle of wanting to follow your physical yearnings, and wanting to follow your religious convictions? Why not show the struggle? Why not go in to the feelings, the warfare between what you feel and how you believe?

Aren’t these things part of life? Part of being a Christian?

These things are the things I want to read about. I don’t want a white washed version of romance. I want the nitty, gritty details. I want to know the characters are just as flawed as I am. I want to know they have to bite their tongues when they get angry. I want to know they have to push back the passion because they aren’t married and want to keep their relationship chaste. I want to know how the deal with it. I want to know the mental arguments they have with themselves justifying the different sides. I want to know that I am in the majority, not the minority.

I want to know that others deal with the same reality I do. Not the fictional version of it.

Headache induced post

I have so much to write about, but am hesitant to write about.

Ive come to a point where I don’t want certain aspects of my life online.

I’ve posted several times that my life is stressful.

I want to write about it.

But I’m afraid of people who know me in real life reading it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m listening to most of my kids play scattergories and am really glad I’m not playing!

They argue about the most insignificant things.

They make me nervous just listening to them.

I have noticed that at least once a round one of them uses “tits” as an answer.

I’m such a proud mom.

The Daniel Plan

I have to say, I wasn’t as impressed with The Daniel Plan as I had hoped to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Rick Warren, and he got Mark Hyman in on it, but I just wasn’t that in to it . Maybe because I got the ebook instead of the print one.

I do plan on buying the print book and reading it that way, I think when it comes to self help books, I need them in paper, so I can highlight and go back and forth between important sections.

I love the premise of the book.

I love the fact Pastor Warren came to The Daniel Plan from a place of brokenness. So it’s from the heart, not just from the mind.

I will give it another shot once I get it in hard cover, black and white!

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Unaffected?

Last week, while cleaning mom up in the bathroom, she looked at me and asked me accusingly why I am so unaffected.

I broke.

I looked at her and told her plain and to the point.

I am not unaffected.

Most days when doing the things that have to be done, the things only I can do because I am her daughter, the one who some of the more distressing jobs fall to, I am doing them while trying not to cry.

I am trying my best to keep it together and not show my feelings.

Do you really think it doesn’t affect me to see the physical condition she is in?

Do you really think it doesn’t affect me to see the mental condition she is in?

Yes it does.

I want nothing more some days than to break down and bawl my eyes out because I shouldn’t be cleaning my mom up when she’s forgot how to use the bathroom. Or when she can’t tell if she even has to go. Or the fact that she can’t remember the steps to be able to brush her hair or teeth.

Instead I slip on the mask. Make sure it is firmly in place to cover all the emotion that bleeds through the cracks of my facial expressions. I put in place the mask that disguises the tears as sweat. I place the mask that keeps anyone from seeing just how it makes me feel to be in this position.

Call me unaffected. That’s ok.

Driftwood Tides

This week, the

Christian Fiction Blog Alliance

is introducing

Driftwood Tides

Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. (September 1, 2014)

by

Gina Holmes

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Gina Holmes is the founder of Novel Rocket, regularly named as one of Writers Digest’s best websites for writers. Her debut, Crossing Oceans, was a Christy and Gold Medallion finalist and winner of the Carol Award, INSPY, and RWA’s Inspirational Reader’s Choice, as well as being a CBA, ECPA, Amazon and PW bestseller. Her sophomore novel, Dry as Rain was a Christy Award finalist. Her latest novel, Wings of Glass has been named as one of the best books of the year by Library Journal and was a SIBA Okra pick and a finalist for Romantic Times’ Reviewers Choice Award. She holds degrees in science and nursing and currently resides with her family in southern Virginia. She works too hard, laughs too loud, and longs to see others heal from their past and discover their God-given purpose.

ABOUT THE BOOK

He made himself an island until something unexpected washed ashore.
When Holton lost his wife, Adele, in a freak accident, he shut himself off from the world, living a life of seclusion, making drifwood sculptures and drowning his pain in gin. Until twenty-three-year-old Libby knocks on his door, asking for a job and claiming to be a friend of his late wife. When he discovers Libby is actually his late wife’s illegitimate daughter, given up for adoption without his knowledge, his life is turned upside down as he struggles to accept that the wife he’d given saint status to was not the woman he thought he knew.

Together Holton and Libby form an unlikely bond as the two struggle to learn the identity of Libby’s father and the truth about Adele, themselves, and each other.

If you would like to read the first chapter of Driftwood Tides, go HERE.