Yesterday was mom’s memorial service. We had her cremated. Originally it was because the cost of a funeral and burial is outrageously expensive and we just couldn’t afford it. But now, I am so glad we did.
Mom was terrified of being alone, she hated storms and cold. I don’t think I could have watched them put her in the cold ground, throw dirt on her casket and walk away. There is no way.
Now, right this second she is sitting on my kitchen table.
I can talk to her. I can hold her. I can just sit and be with her.
As I mentioned before, I was with her when she passed. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.
She had a horrible last few days, especially the last 24 hours. She had the “death rattle” as they call it, and had begun having seizures. Those were horrendous to watch. I don’t believe she was cognizant of what was happening when she had them. Her eyes were blank, they didn’t focus. So I hope she wasn’t aware.
My niece and I were sitting in the room with her, and I had just thought about going to bed, I was exhausted since I had been sitting up nights and most of the day with her for almost a week. Getting only a couple hours of sleep a day. But for some reason I didn’t. I wanted to stay there with mom.
We heard her scratching her fingers on the bed and my niece saw that mom’s eyes were open. We thought she was about to seize again. I was getting ready to get the medicine ready, and my niece, who is a nurse, told me she was leaving us.
I was already holding mom’s hand, but leaned down and told her I loved her, kissed her forehead and told her I was there, she wasn’t alone, and it was ok. Mom’s breathing eased for the first time in days. Her color in her face brightened, the expression on her face changed from one of misery to one of peace. Then she took two perfectly peaceful breathes and was gone.
I cried. I couldn’t help it. My mom was gone, but at that moment I knew she was the happiest she had been in years.
She was whole. She was able to walk again. She could talk, hear, see, and play the piano again.
I know she was greeted on the other side by her mom, sisters, grandson and great grandsons. Not to mention many many friends who have gone on before her.
At her memorial last night, we celebrated her life. Her love of laughter. She lived life to the fullest and expected those around her to do the same.
We celebrated that.
We celebrated her.