What about me?

Mom and dad have been watching Billy Graham crusades all day. Dad spent 65 years of his life in the ministry. He has preached all over the USA, and has had a hand in starting churches all over the world. Mom has been right by his side the entire way. Step by step they walked together.

Tonight I’m sitting here listening to them talk about the sermon Rev. Graham is bringing, and listening to my mom cry because she is unsure of her salvation. She, this woman who has raised 7 children in church, has lived as close to a perfect life as she could, putting away addictions to cigarettes and coffee, laying down the love of her young life of dancing, all because at that point in time, the church told her it was a sin for a woman to dance, use tobacco, or drink coffee. She wore dresses because she was told women didn’t wear pants. She went to church every day for years. Yes I said every day. Sometimes she went multiple times in one day. She played the piano when she didn’t feel like sitting up. She was there, she cried, she worshiped, she prayed, she testified, she led a very good christian life.

And she is sitting there worried about her salvation.

She accepted Christ to her life when she was around 25 years old. Yet, sitting here tonight, she is in tears, worried that if she died she would go to hell.

My question is, if Mom, my mother who I have watched and seen her as the epitome of an example of a Christian, if she is concerned about her salvation…..

What does that say about me.

The girl.

In my/our lives today, they are filled with stress. I’ve been talking to the home health aides who come out to do different things with mom and dad, and they have all stated they can see a downhill decline in mom. Dad’s physical therapist said today that he’s not too far behind mom.

As you can imagine, this is disheartening. But I’m not writing about that today, today, I’m writing about a true light in our days.

My daughter.

What? You don’t have a daughter! I know you are all thinking. And I don’t. Well, I didn’t give birth to one, but God saw fit to bless my oldest son with a wife that has become my daughter.

It is every Mothers fear that when her son becomes an adult, he will marry a girl who will whisk him away to never return. it is the natural process, I suppose. But as a mother, you tend to get left behind. You spend all those years nurturing and molding a son into what you hope to be an amazing adult, and then BAM! Some girl comes along, bats her eyes and just like that he’s gone. Forgets he even has a mother.

I have to say, my daughter aka The Girl, is not like that. She is a caring young woman who makes sure to include us in different parts of their lives. She loves and cares for us as much as we love and care for her.

I know I couldn’t make it through this journey with mom and dad without Daughter/The Girl here with us. She has a way with mom and dad, that I don’t. When I am at my wits end, and ready to scream, she can diffuse the situation with a joke, a laugh and a smile. Mom and dad think she hung the moon and love her to pieces. The boys all want to find girls just like her. They have each even said that when they decide to bring a girl home, she has to meet Daughter first, because if Daughter/The Girl doesn’t like her then she’s not gonna make the cut! That says a lot. Stud is as protective over her, maybe even more so than he is over our boys.

She brings joy to all of us, and I for one am eternally grateful for her doing so. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love my boys, but she proved me wrong! She is one of us!

Aw man!

Sitting in McDonald’s drive thru:

Son3: Aw, a skinny person made this ice cream cone.

Me: What?????

Son3: Look how tiny it is, a skinny person made this cone. A chunky person would have filled that cone full!

Walk down memory lane

I took a trip down memory lane tonight.

I don’t remember how it started but I eventually wound up on Jay’s blog, He’s long gone, no longer inhabits that space. But his writing is still hilariously real.

It made me think about days gone by, I mean has it really been a decade? I guess it has.

I originally started reading blogs when I clicked on the “next” button on my old blogger page. It took me to a blog written by a guy named Kevin who worked at a strip club. I was hooked. His writing sucked me right in to that life and I wanted to know more. I started leaving comments, and next thing I knew, I was part of a group of bloggers who became a family.

So much of a family that it came together way back when to support a very special girl and her family while she went through not one, but two liver transplants. These people because essential parts of my life. To this day, I count several of them as close friends, even though we never talk, or even communicate beyond liking posts on each others facebook pages.

Our lives have changed dramatically in the past 10 or so years. I’ve met a few of my bloggy family in person, talked to several on the phone. We’ve cried, vented, laughed, and shared things that I will never share with my real family.

So tonight, after my trip down bloggy memory lane, Here’s to the old days! Jay, Zelda, Jethro, Inanna, Jammie J, and Trashman. There were many others, but these are the ones who’s blogs are still showing up!


Its all in the eyes.

They say the eyes are the window’s to your soul.

I say they are the window to your mind.

Some days her eyes are sky blue, with a touch of sparkle to them.

Some days they are wide and grey filled with fear and confusion.

Yet other days they are black, almost devoid of color, the centers dilated so large and empty.

The sky blue days are good days. Those are days my mom is there. She is with us, joking, having fun, enjoying what is left of life. Of mom knowing who we are, telling stories about her life experiences and loving us with all she has.

The grey days are hard. Those days are filled with panic attacks. Nervous twitches, jerky movements, tears, yelling, screaming, and answering the same question dozens of times, literally in minutes space. They are spent wavering minute to minute from quiet to chaos. Never knowing from second to second what will happen next.

The black days, those are the most difficult. Those days are the ones that are full of confusion, answering questions to the wrong name, assurances that we are, in fact home. We have been here, in this situation for a year now. These days are spent instructing in easy steps how to do something as simple as standing or on a few occasions how to breathe.

The blue days are occurring less and less. Dispersed between the grey and black days just enough to keep us going, giving us hope.

Her eyes give us insight. They let us see more than we can ever see otherwise.

They are not the windows to her soul, but the window to her mind.

When did I get old?

A couple of weeks ago, Son3 had his first date. He’s had a couple more since then and is officially “dating”.

Tonight, Son4 had his first date. She texted him afterwards told him what a great time she had and now they are planning a second date.

I’m not sure how I feel about this dating thing. Oldest dated DIL but it doesn’t seem like it was that indepth as it is for the younger boys. Son2 dates but doesn’t share details with us. So this is kind of new territory for us. What’s even newer, is Son4 was told tonight that in this area, girls usually pay for themselves.

I asked him if he told the girl that if his mama found out he took a girl out and didn’t pay then she would whoop his butt. Because I would.

I don’t get it. Why changes the rules? Why take something that has worked for centuries and change it now?

On another thought, since when is it cool to show commercials for a dating website that is for married people who want to cheat?

Not cool. So very not cool.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just old.

Who forgot to tell me?

Its 3 am.

I have to be up in 5 hrs to take youngest to a dr appointment.

Why am I not sleeping?

I’m worried.

My boys have so many changes in their lives right now.

Son3 has is first girlfriend.

Son4 had his first job, starts college in two weeks, and is going on his first date this week.

Youngest is having some health issues.

Oldest is having job issues.

Son2 is in old state alone.

Changes for all of my boys.

Changes that while yes, they are normal, they are changes that make a mother’s heart beat a little different.

Changes that make a mother sit up nights and worry, pray, worry some more and pray some more.

When you have a child, no one tells you that you will spend as many sleepless nights when that child is an adult as you did when he was newborn.

They really need to tell you that.


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